Oprah’s Inferno with Cormac McCarthy
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My personal journey through Dante’s Inferno is guided by contemporary author Cormac McCarthy. He is, in my opinion, a modern poet and a powerful storyteller. His stories are conceptual in the way they challenge the subjective differences between right and wrong, or good and evil. He writes about the struggle of personal identity versus universal truth, and his novels (and subsequent films) influence me to think more critically about the decisions we make while we’re alive. Our quest begins at the gate of Hell. The gate’s inscription is indecipherable: someone has written “JUDAS PRIEST” over it in red spray paint. As we enter, we visit the Uncommitted, largely composed of contemporary artists and abstract filmmakers. The souls here are souls of people who in life did nothing, neither for good nor evil. They wander the outskirts of Hell, arguing with one another about why their work is relevant. They are punished as none of the Uncommitted cares to listen about another soul’s body of work; they are too busy explaining why their work is more important. We fall asleep on the boat that takes us to Hell. Our time with the Uncommitted was spent imbibing in free wine and cheese plates, and we need to rest for our journey. When we awake we are in Hell, and we encounter an extremely intimidating mass of people. The sky is overcast and the ground is muddy. The only place to go to the bathroom is in a porta-potty or behind a porta-potty. Cormac McCarthy informs me that we are in the first circle of Hell, home to the unbaptized and the virtuous pagans. Although they were not sinful during life, they rejected the idea of Christ. The souls trapped in Limbo chose to find meaning in life at music festivals, and are now stuck listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd at a festival in Hell, living in tents and always wondering if it is going to rain. Also, nobody can use their cell phone because there is no reception in Hell. The second circle of Hell is home to the souls condemned for Lust. These souls, who spent their life making women feel uncomfortable on the subway and at bars, are forced to watch internet pornography videos that are constantly buffering. There are no walls in the second circle, and the large room is brightly lit with fluorescent bulbs. Our journey through the following circles of Hell expose us to the horrors of Hell that await for the wicked. In the fifth circle, the souls guilty of wrath and sullenness during their life lie in the swamp-like water of the river Styx, composed entirely of the band’s sweat from their live performances. The sixth circle, reserved for those guilty of heresy, is filled with televangelists and street corner prophets. Their emotions are perpetually mixed between frustration (because nobody will listen) and anger (because nobody will buy their literature). The seventh circle of Hell is for the violent, separated into three rings. The inner ring keeps those violent against God. The middle ring houses the suicides. The outer ring houses those violent to people or property, and also contains those guilty of animal cruelty, who hang by their feet in a refrigerator and are covered in infected cat scratches. They will spend eternity hanging upside-down, covered in salt and licked by cows forever. Those guilty of fraud during their life are sentenced to the eighth circle of Hell. The circle is separated into ten ditches of stone. In the first ditch, pimps are forced to wear normal clothes and work as accountants. It is here that Cormac McCarthy and I see Rudy Ray Moore, famous for his role in Dolemite. Moore stops us to explain that he actually spent most of his life as a comedian and an actor, but he was so good that people stubbornly believed he was a pimp until he died. The second ditch is home to the flatterers, who are forced to live in a smelly bachelor’s pad together. They carry around a copy of Neil Strauss’ The Game, and will spend eternity arguing about the most effective psychological procedure to use when seducing women. Unlike the lustful sinners of the second circle who were truthful in their compliments and rarely successful in their attempts, these sinners have slept with numerous women, have been dumped multiple times, and do not feel guilty. The only women in the second ditch are prostitutes with genital infections. The remaining stone ditches house an assortment of fraudulent souls, from L. Ron Hubbard and Aleister Crowley to Bernie Madoff. The final Bolgia is home for various sorts of falsifiers (alchemists, counterfeiters, perjurers, and impersonators), who are a “disease” on society and are themselves afflicted with different types of diseases. In an abandoned recording studio that houses nobody but the members of Milli Vanilli, the two members, stricken with a sore throat, live in a bunk bed and are only allowed to eat money. The ninth and final circle of Hell is for the betrayers, separated into four rounds to distinguish the varying types of betrayal. In round one is Dexter, who killed his murderous brother at the end of the first season (oops – spoiler). The second round houses the souls of many actors and musicians who falsely represented themselves as natives of foreign countries for personal gain (Madonna is found here, speaking only in a British accent). Round three is for those who betrayed their guests; the punishment for this is more severe because the relationship between host and guest is seen as voluntary. The fourth round is for the souls who betrayed God. They are entirely frozen, stuck in distorted positions and unable to speak. In the very center of Hell, condemned for committing the ultimate sin, is Oprah Winfrey. Oprah is described as a giant, terrifying beast with three faces, one red, one black, and one a pale yellow. Oprah is waist deep in ice, weeping tears from her six eyes, and beating her six wings as if trying to escape, although the icy wind that emanates only further ensures her imprisonment. What is seen here is a perverted trinity: Oprah is impotent, ignorant, and full of hate, in contrast to the all-powerful, all-knowing, and loving nature of God. Together, Cormac McCarthy and I escape Hell by climbing down Oprah’s ragged fur, passing through the center of the Earth and ending back on the surface in Hong Kong. We talk about our journey over a cup of hot coffee, then debate health care reform. RELEVANT:
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